Today wasn’t very good at all. My mother ran out of her regular pain medication and the alternative medicines that she had just weren’t cutting it. The worst part of all of this has been having to watch her be in pain at all. Outside of the obvious hurt that it causes all of us, I think it makes my mother face her mortality. The pain is a physical manifestation of the inevitable. When her pain is gone it’s easier for her to almost forget about her prognosis. When she’s faced with the pain, she becomes very sad and laments at length about dying. It’s hard for me to hear, but I listen.
Today, while she rocked back and forth to the throbbing of her pain, she told me what songs she wanted played at her funeral: “His Eye On the Sparrow” and “Amazing Grace”. Both are classics, but she wants “up beat” versions.
“I don’t want anyone dancing in the aisles” she chuckles, “but I don’t want the songs to be sung sadly.”
I sat and wrote her requests quietly, unsure of what to say.
I hope tomorrow is a better day.