April 30, 2013

pancreatic cancer story hospice

In recent days I have fed my mother. I have changed my mother. I have cared for her in the ways that she cared for me as a child. Life has come full circle it would seem. In a way, I feel honored. My mother is, and always has been, a sweet and genuine person. She deserves nothing less than to receive tender care from the people who she cared for most deeply.

No matter how poetic, this has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It hurts to think of my father having to care for my mother on his own for so long. I wish they lived closer. I wish they would’ve moved when they could. I wish they would have let me move. Early on in my mother’s diagnosis I mentioned to her that we had discussed moving closer. I wanted to be there for her. She pulled me to the side and made it very clear that that wouldn’t be something she wanted.

“There’s so much more opportunity in Atlanta. You wouldn’t be happy here. Stay in Atlanta and plant your roots Kesha. Life must go on.”

Life must go on.

Yesterday we all made the tough decision to place my mother in the Hospice facility. I cried. My father cried. My mother agreed that it would be the best thing, but the decision was still so difficult. It almost felt like giving up – relenting to the inevitable – But my mother’s condition has depleted considerably. In the few moments that she is able to stay awake, her face holds a permanent grimace of pain and discomfort. Hospice is best.

The facility is absolutely gorgeous. Fresh cut flowers are placed on every surface daily. Handmade quilts and stuffed animals sit neatly in every chair. Everyone is so friendly and sweet, and every area is bright and inviting… but there was still an air of gloom and sadness in the air. No matter how hard they try to mask it, this place that tries to create so much life and happiness is ultimately a place of loss and death.

This is so hard…

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5 thoughts on “April 30, 2013

  1. Kesha,

    I cant begin to utter the words ” i understand” or even suggest the typical”its going to be okay” but what i can say is that your mother is so blessed. So blessed to have a daughter like you. You have been so selfless and you very humbly care for your mother with a heart full of love and respect for a womanthat laid the foundation for you. How remarkable! You know i love you. I love your mom. I love your family. It goes without question that i wil always be here for you. Especially in those quiet hours when you are not your strongest. Your mom proved every doctor wrong. That goes to show the strength of a resilient spirit. I thank you for sharing with everyone through WeGotKidz. You nver know who you are helping to beal right now. Love you girly. Love you Momma Chisholm.

    • Angela your words are so nice and are definitely some things that I needed to hear. I appreciate you being there for me girl and am glad to have you as a friend. Things have been so hard, but are made a little easier because of people reaching out like you. Love ya girl! I’ll keep you updated.

  2. You’ve cared for your mom so deeply and although it’s very hard, hospice is the right place for her. Know in your heart all the good you’ve done for your mom and how she knows your love for her. My mom’s wish was to die at home, so we had hospice come to the house and a nurse for her during the day. No matter what, it’s still so hard when it gets to this point – the point where you can no longer give your mom the care she needs. My mom developed a quick and deep bond with her caregiver, and although I was glad to see this, it also made me a little jealous. That I wasn’t that person. But as your mom said to you, mine also expected of me – life must go on and I needed to work and care for my young kids. Take care.

  3. There is no way to understand that kind of pain until you go through it yourself. It is very unfortunate that anyone must see their family like this. I wish you all the strength in the world, as I know the pain from the loss of a loved one never really goes away. Keep your head up, enjoy life, live it well, and stay strong.

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